Beginning again

This week and today have been so very hard. I've cried at least twice a day since dropping Nathan off at the Albuquerque airport early on Monday morning. We had a beautiful weekend together before that, and we remembered how much we miss each other. Then it seems he was ripped from me and even though he's been gone since May 9th, I feel like I'm starting all over again.

It feels like I'm at the very beginning and very bottom of a huge mountain and a long, scary, tough journey- but climbing will make me stronger and I must trust God to lead me on the journey. He has brought me to this path and He is always faithful.

Tonight I realized I have been seeking comfort from so many places this week- from Nathan and our phone conversations, from Mom and distracting myself with family, by watching happy movies- but I have never been truly or lastingly comforted. Why have I not turned to the Lord before now? I have prayed, and I say I trust Him. Nathan encourages me of His sovereignty... But I haven't gotten down and dirty and opened His word- I should have long before now. Only He can comfort me to my soul and calm my doubting, fearful heart.

Offer right sacrifices,

and put your trust in the Lord

Psalm 4:5

This deployment is the challenge and the trial Nathan and I have been called to. I must offer all my fears, my marriage, my husband up to the Lord as a willing and joyful sacrifice, and put my trust into Him alone. This is what He has called me to.

This song has echoed in my heart this week:

"You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be your name"

God has blessed me beyond measure with the most wonderful husband. But He also can, and has for a time, taken him away from me. But He is still my great God, and my heart can choose to say, amongst tears and in loneliness, "Lord, blessed be Your name."

Psalm 4 goes on to say:

You have put more joy in my heart

than they have when their grain and wine abound.

In Peace I will both lie down and sleep;

for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Lord, please keep Nathan safe in his travels and on this deployment. Please protect him each day as he is serving in Iraq. Teach me to offer him- and all my wills and desires- up to You as a right and cheerful sacrifice. Teach me to trust in You and to turn to You for my true source of comfort. Thank you for all Your abundant blessings- especially the baby in my belly!

Please be with all the military wives who are also going through deployments right now- and protect and intervene in all the military marriages that need an extra hand.

Your love and grace is never-failing.