If you're a military wife, you...

keep your phone by you all the time and hope for it to ring

jump a little when someone knocks on the door

know how much emotion one particular color of ribbon can bring

are acutely aware of what's being reported in the news

are personally affected by political decisions

actually miss having someone to clean up after

don't get angry at your husband if he doesn't call all day, but instead try to ignore the worries that start creeping in

have found the love of you're life, but still find yourself lonely at home at night

Inbetween

I did not write this, but it's beautiful and a great read. I found it on a friend's facebook wall, but apparently it's from a devotional book.

There's a place between here and there. A piece of ground in the middle of take-off and landing. A section of the unknown within beginning and ending. You probably find yourself there from time to time. It's the land known as Inbetween.

Inbetween is one of the most rugged places in life. You aren't fully here, and you aren't fully there. Your emotions and hopes are strewn across an endless list of possibilities. Door knobs of wood, brass, and silver line the path, but which will open? In the land of Inbetween, the paths are lined with sealed envelopes and foggy dreams. Excitement runs forward and fears hold back. And if you stay long enough, you feel the tremors of your soul.

The land of Inbetween is downright scary. It's a place of blind trust. It's where the pedals of faith meet the narrow road of fortitude and where movement is demanded though there's no place to go. The worst part of this land isn't the uncertainty or frustration that accompany it - it's that God likes it when you're there.

While He's no sadist, God loves the land of Inbetween. He loves what it does to us. He loves the humility and dependence it creates in our hearts, so He creates innumerable forks in life's road that swerve us into the land of Inbetween. The unknowns of job, marriage, children, and home are the signs of this uncertain land. At times, people are thrust into Inbetween by mishaps, accidents, sudden deaths, and even unexpected fortune. Some people visit so many times they begin to wonder if it's life. And they aren't far off.

So what will hold you steady when you walk through the terrain of Inbetween? A recognition that Inbetween is God's design. In one miraculous moment, the Creator of the universe placed you in the greatest Inbetween of all time - the place between the earthly creation and eternity. Life's smaller lunges forward and backward are merely postcard reminders that there's something greater than this place we're visiting.

If you're in your own land of Inbetween, remember that God was the original designer of this journey. You can get mad, scream, and even pout if you want. But it doesn't change the fact that you're merely passing through. Everything else is Inbetween. (from Deeper Walk, a Relevant Devotional Series)

"every day is one day closer"

That one thought- that each day is a day closer to when my husband comes home- is what keeps me going. It doesn't matter if I have a great day or a bad one, a productive day or a day like today where all I do is sleep! No matter how much I accomplish or how much I fail, every day a day passes. And that is great news when you're going through a deployment.

One thing has been in the back of my mind a lot the last few weeks. I notice that so many military wives have great faith that their husband will stay safe and will not be hurt or killed overseas. Of course, every one of us with a loved one deployed has fears that they will but hurt or killed, but some women I talk to seem to feel sort of invincible to this. One of my friends who is an Army wife read a book on Psalm 91 and said she had complete confidence afterwards that her husband would stay safe and God would protect him.

Now, I sort of have a problem with this. Do you think it's wrong to have complete confidence or faith that God will protect your loved one? What if you husband is killed overseas? Then do you lose your faith and get angry at God, or do you just realize that faith you had in the firstplace was mis-placed? I have known great Christian women with great faith whose husbands are killed. It is a heartbreaking and heart-wrenching thing to hear about, and it has even brought me to tears hearing stories of young women with 8 week old babies whose husbands just got killed in action. But it happens. Did these women just not have enough faith? No, I don't think that can be the answer.

A lot of people have asked me how I cope with my husband being gone. Do I worry he'll be killed? I have complete peace about my husband being in Iraq (although of course I still have fears). But I don't find my peace in a faith that nothing will happen to him. I do believe my husband will stay safe on this deployment, but I also know that God gives and takes away. I find my peace in this: God has our days numbered. He knows how long each of us has on this earth. And if my husband's days will end in Iraq, I just have to trust the Lord that He knew that all along. My husband could just as easily die here in American in a car wreck or anything else any day. I just have to trust God that His timing for our lives is perfect.

I don't think it's right to feel invincible or to have complete confidence your loved one will stay safe. We don't know the future, and the sad truth is that men of great faith die young every day. God has not promised us an easy life or that we will live until we're 90 if we just have enough faith. But He has promised us that He has our days numbered and that He works all things to our good. And that is what we can trust in.

I do believe God will keep my husband safe, but I also have fears that He won't. But my peace to overcome those fears is that ultimately, I just have to trust Him. Overall I have a great peace about Nathan being gone, and I don't spend time everyday worrying about him dying. Someday, he will pass away. And while that is, undoubtedly, my biggest fear in the entire world, I know that God is bigger and better than my love even for my husband, and in this too I have to continue to surrender Nathan to the Lord.

Beginning again

This week and today have been so very hard. I've cried at least twice a day since dropping Nathan off at the Albuquerque airport early on Monday morning. We had a beautiful weekend together before that, and we remembered how much we miss each other. Then it seems he was ripped from me and even though he's been gone since May 9th, I feel like I'm starting all over again.

It feels like I'm at the very beginning and very bottom of a huge mountain and a long, scary, tough journey- but climbing will make me stronger and I must trust God to lead me on the journey. He has brought me to this path and He is always faithful.

Tonight I realized I have been seeking comfort from so many places this week- from Nathan and our phone conversations, from Mom and distracting myself with family, by watching happy movies- but I have never been truly or lastingly comforted. Why have I not turned to the Lord before now? I have prayed, and I say I trust Him. Nathan encourages me of His sovereignty... But I haven't gotten down and dirty and opened His word- I should have long before now. Only He can comfort me to my soul and calm my doubting, fearful heart.

Offer right sacrifices,

and put your trust in the Lord

Psalm 4:5

This deployment is the challenge and the trial Nathan and I have been called to. I must offer all my fears, my marriage, my husband up to the Lord as a willing and joyful sacrifice, and put my trust into Him alone. This is what He has called me to.

This song has echoed in my heart this week:

"You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be your name"

God has blessed me beyond measure with the most wonderful husband. But He also can, and has for a time, taken him away from me. But He is still my great God, and my heart can choose to say, amongst tears and in loneliness, "Lord, blessed be Your name."

Psalm 4 goes on to say:

You have put more joy in my heart

than they have when their grain and wine abound.

In Peace I will both lie down and sleep;

for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Lord, please keep Nathan safe in his travels and on this deployment. Please protect him each day as he is serving in Iraq. Teach me to offer him- and all my wills and desires- up to You as a right and cheerful sacrifice. Teach me to trust in You and to turn to You for my true source of comfort. Thank you for all Your abundant blessings- especially the baby in my belly!

Please be with all the military wives who are also going through deployments right now- and protect and intervene in all the military marriages that need an extra hand.

Your love and grace is never-failing.

Goodbye for a little while

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go